Well, another gray day here in New England. This happens a lot, depending on the year. More often than not I must say, but after all, they don’t call us “New” England for nothing! I think this is what makes us hardy. You gotta really want it when you live here. Most of the time, the weather is not our friend. It is the ruiner of cookouts, parades, ballgames, picnics, parties, psyches. The good news is the motivation. Once that nice weather window opens, you need to jump through with full force and capture each day with reckless abandon! Some years that window is wide, say, April to October. Others, very, very small. Late June to Late September. Seriously. Eight months of crappy weather? You gotta really want it. The best day of the year is the first really, really nice day. Everybody is out! Everybody. The birds are chirping, the squirrels are jumping, hoodies have been shed and the mood is so light you might think you’re not in curmudgeony New England at all! Oh, but you are and you must embrace it every step of the way. The good, the bad, the snowy. For if you don’t, it will seem like the never ending winter of your soul my friend.
In my younger years it seemed a lot easier to zip around from here to there, place to place, job to job, reality to reality. I don’t know how it happens but a certain amount of inertia sets in as you get up there in years. In my younger years I toured around with bands, traveled like crazy and was always on the go. Then I decided that I needed to slow my life down because things were getting just a bit too crazy and while I didn’t feel out of control, I felt like the events happening in my life were telling me so. So I slowed down. And that’s how I learned the hard way that once you do slow down, ramping back up isn’t as easy as it once was. So now I am in a new reality that sometimes seems okay and sometimes it doesn’t. I am bored a lot. Now this boredom I place directly on me. Life isn’t just exciting, you have to make it so! Life doesn’t keep itself out of the ruts, you do. It is all in our hands, it’s just a matter of what we do with it.
Harmony is always something to strive for. I’ve been seeing a lot of great quotes on Twitter about “making the most of where you are” and “the happiest are the ones who work with what they have” etc etc. And it is indeed true. When you struggle against what is happening, wanting it to change, it just makes it harder to get along, to get by. I know for me instinctively, submitting always feels like defeat but it really isn’t the case. Sometimes, when you accept, which should not be confused with giving in, it actually helps you. Instead of struggling to change your surroundings, simply adapt to your surroundings and make them work for you. It is definitely a challenge but one that gets easier the more you take it on. Especially on a day like today, day 4 without the sun, the walls closing in and feeling all kinds of out of sorts. On those days you DO keep fighting. Keep fighting to get out of the funk and just do what you need to do to keep going. Whatever that may be. Blowing off your to do list to go walk in the fresh air, drinking coffee when you said you wouldn’t or curling up in bed waiting for the storm to pass. None of that is giving in. It’s just the path back to harmony.
Upon first seeing the word “Fry” my mind immediately went to the negative connotation as in “I’m feeling so fried”. I don’t know why because I’m not really feeling fried. Although, I am a little burnt out on dealing with the Admin of my life. It’s amazing how much easier it is when you have employer benefits like health insurance and the like. When you don’t, you are thrust into your own little world of H.R. making phone calls, filling out forms, checking and double checking. I must admit, that part I miss. The rest of it, meh. I guess there are pros and cons to everything. Just about everything has a good side and a bad. It’s just a matter of staying on the good side, keeping with the positive and allowing that to inform your vibe of the day, every day. It seems much easier to get down than to stay up. Sometimes staying up feels like work. If only that type of work came with health insurance, I’d be golden!
Does anyone remember Jolt cola from back in the mid-80’s? It was the first attempt at an energy drink and if my memory serves me correctly it was basically cola with massive amounts of sugar and caffeine in it. Having freshly arrived at college, this was instantly intriguing to me and all of my new found friends. College was so vastly different from high school that aside from the academic challenge I was hardly ready for it. Who knew staying up until 2am with your new friends meant you’d barely (if at all) be able to make an 8am class? Who knew that endless amounts of free time meant just going and going and going and then drinking some Jolt to keep going, lest you miss something weird and wonderful in all of your new found freedom. My college’s motto was “Expression Necessary to Evolution” and evolve I did. Freed from the trap of Catholic School, where the discipline, guilt and dogma weighed heavier than a water soaked wool coat, I finally felt the real me coming through. Finally I was becoming comfortable in my own skin, safely ensconced with all my fellow weirdos that I didn’t even know were out there the year before. Finally I could relax and just be me and it felt amazing. So, I certainly wanted to stay awake for it. JOLT!
If you really think about it, everything is timely. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, when you look closely you realize that is really is. When it feels like the door closed, it’s really another one opening. When you think you’ve hit the end of the line, another opportunity magically appears, blowing through the fog of your confusion and presenting itself to you. But only if you’re looking of course. If you’re not, it will sneak right by and you have to wait for the next one, like the bus or the train. Once you get on, you are off in your new direction. It might not be the same direction as the first one, but in a new direction you will go. Unless you keep getting on the same bus or train over and over and over again. Then the doors keep closing and the line keeps ending and you are left to wonder what it is you have to do to change your situation. The answer is; you just change it.
It would be so easy to unravel. Just let the worry and the anxiety and the self-doubt wash over me and sweep me back into the box. That box that I don’t want to be in. The 9-5 every day is the same suburban mundaneness that drives me crazy. Actually, that is what really makes me unravel. It just chips and chips and chips away at my enthusiasm until pretty soon I have none left. Just that robot feeling of get up and do it all over again. Geez, I hate that. It’s not me, it will never be me and I’m tired of not being me. So, I’m not going back in that box. I might be tempted to unravel now but at least I will have the space to do so, as my spirit rolls across the floor and in a new, to be determined direction, where something different and unusual is bound to happen. When you unravel in a box, that’s all there is. You, stewing in your soup, with no where to go.
As my May birthday approaches, I’ve been reading up on Taurus. Well, not really reading up per se, just following someone who posts about Taurean tendencies on Twitter. I’ve always been very into my sign, which I’m sure is such a Taurus thing to do. It’s just that Taurus fits me like a glove, there’s no denying it. A true blue Taurus, that’s how I describe myself to people. It has served me well and will continue to do so, especially as I embark on my new reality of self-employment. My stubborn, consistent, focused pursuit of what I want WILL get me there. I call it tenacious light. Taurean Tenacious Light.
We all know it’s so important to heal. Getting there can be painful, dreadful, just full. But we must do it anyway. However, whatever, wherever it is that gets us there, it must be done. Because even when we try to conceal the reason to heal, it remains. It must be exposed, unearthed, revealed. Once that hurdle is well, hurdled, the process begins and gets easier, even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time. I once made what I considered to be a very bad mistake with my heart as well as someone else’s and that shit consumed me for what felt like an eternity. I think it was about a year but it felt like ten. It aged me, it ravaged me and getting out of bed everyday was only the first challenge I faced. Finally, one day, it felt a little less. And a little less after that. And on and on. And now it’s been 14 years since I even felt that grind of trying to forgive and while I still most definitely remember the distinct feeling of despair, it is in the ever distancing past. We do what it takes to heal.
Oh boy, denial. It is probably the most comfortable place to be in for a lot of people. Not me. I like to face things head on. Why pretend something isn’t when it is? Why ignore something that is not going to go away? I would rather square off directly and swiftly and just get it over with. Kind of like how I would prefer you tell me you have a problem with me right to my face instead of playing the passive aggressive game. I mean, who has time for that? Let’s get it out in the open and move on. Just Move on dot org. I heard that last night and it cracked me up. I haven’t been keeping up with them but I am sure they are quite busy these days, what with the Daily Assault on freedom and basic human rights being raged by the train wreck in The White House. Talk about denial. I wonder what all of the people who voted for him are thinking right about now? I do understand where they are coming from. Things have gotten so bad in this country. Politicians are drunk with power and they think they no longer need to work for the American people. And they really don’t. Americans haven’t shown up to be present in the political process for a long, long time. But, suddenly that has all changed. People are showing up now, yes they are. And all of these arrogant, tone deaf politicos are getting a taste of what it’s like to be held accountable. Now, to that end, this election will serve us well. People are finally waking up and the tables will turn in our favor, the power finally going back to the people. One hopes. Or am I just in denial?