Daily Prompt: Test

test

via Daily Prompt: Test

“Everyday is a test.” Those are the words my Father hugged in to me the day I lost my best friend Stacy. I was mourning alone. She lived on the West Coast, me on the East. My friends here had never met her for I was recently back and our relationship was built on coast hopping and meeting in the middle. Twenty years had gone by and we had never lived in the same city, but we were TIGHT, so strong was our connection. And now she was gone after a two year fight and there I was, trying to withstand the biggest test to date. It’s been 5 1/2 years since that day. I know this exactly because she left me 5 days after my beautiful nephew arrived. There I stood, smack in the middle of the mysteries of life and death, joyful and sorrowful. One life begins, one life ends. My nephew has an exuberant quality about him, much like her and I take that as a sign that we are all connected, somehow, someway. I will never get over her devastating loss, I will only learn to cope. I never realized how much she filled up my life until I felt the hole she left behind. Filling that up is a test I don’t think I will pass. RIP Stacy, I miss you. Every. Single. Day.

Test

Daily Prompt: Facade

desert-sunrise

via Daily Prompt: Facade

Drop the facade I keep reminding myself. Just drop it. Habits are hard to break, that is for sure. But at some point in your life, you have just got to be true to yourself. You just have to. Dig deep and find the strength to be who you are. This is me talking to me, but take it as your own as well. I didn’t anticipate how weird it would be, moving back home after all these years. The subtle transition back into who I used to be slipped right by me and the next thing you know, I was that other person. That MassGirl circa 1990, not the person I became. When I finally became aware of the fog that had quietly overtaken me and my persona, I thought, “Wait a minute! This is not me. This is not the real me. What am I doing?” So, I strapped on some courage and stepped out of the past into the now. The earth didn’t shake, the stars didn’t fall, the only thing that happened was happiness.

 

Facade

Daily Prompt: Disagree

disagree

via Daily Prompt: Disagree

Let’s agree to disagree shall we? I find that such an apropos saying in these days and times, in the topsy-turvy of the U.S.A. If only we could all adhere to it. I am not sure how it got this way, this divisiveness. This, “you are my complete and total enemy if you do not share my views” paradigm that we, as a nation, as a society are mired in. Completely. I see no way out in the near future and that, friends, is one depressing view. I like to blame it on the media, social, especially, but at some point it has to come down to us. The masses. (Doesn’t it always.) We can blame everyone else, but at the end of the day, it is us, The Collective, that are consuming, flaming, trolling, complaining, soap-boxing, perpetuating the ugly platform that we all claim to dislike. I finally gained some headway on this recently, staying mindful and keeping the fb posts to positive news and lovely community actions. It is working for me. I had a professor in college who would regularly go on media fasts then study how the lack of negativity affected his demeanor. And this was in the ’90’s when it wasn’t nearly as bad. If only we could have seen what was coming. Maybe we could have stopped it.

Disagree

Daily Prompt: Unfinished

unfinished

via Daily Prompt: Unfinished

As I move through life I am constantly working, learning, improving, changing, adjusting. You can add in as many similar adjectives as you like. My point is I never want to get stale. I never want to be looking up from the deep, dark [boring] rut and mutter “How did I get here?” You “get there” by not paying attention. It does take a lot of discipline and awareness but it is doable. So, I am doing it. As I move through life, learning, changing and growing it gets more and more fascinating, more scintillating, providing the motivation to just keep going. I’m at the midpoint and as a human being, I am still unfinished. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Unfinished

Daily Prompt: Dilemma

dilemma

via Daily Prompt: Dilemma

It’s back, this dilemma that I have. I made the decision I know. I left my old life. I left it all behind. I made the conscious decision to walk away, physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, yes. I know. And I was moving forward, sometimes against my own will, but I was doing it. Understanding, accepting and living with my decision. I was finally making headway with my inner peace on the subject and now all of a sudden like it’s calling me back, this old life of mine. Could I make it work? Do I want to? And how did this happen? Did I manifest it? Is it the Universe swooping in to rescue me from the life I am working hard to be good at but essentially don’t want to have? All these questions that I do not have the answers to. Per usual, because that’s what it’s like dealing with the forces. Don’t question, don’t ruminate, don’t worry, just trust. TRUST. That in and of itself is it’s own dilemma.

 

Dilemma

Daily Prompt: Generous

generous

via Daily Prompt: Generous
“That’s so generous of you, thank you.” “You’re welcome, it’s nothing…” Lila eyed the stranger curiously, drinking in her energy that seemed to instantly alight across the airwaves between them. “I’ve never seen you around here before, are you new?” “Yes and no” answered Tara. “I grew up here, then I left for a long time, now I’m back.” Tara’s wry smile told Lila there was more to the story, but she stopped herself from asking. Instead she got lost in her head for a minute, allowing that alluring feeling of familiarity and wonder to fill her up with warmth. She felt strongly like they had already met. She loved feeling this, the intriguing attraction that you just can’t put your finger on. Those moments when there is no denying the magnetism. The universe, in all its eternity comes tumbling into your world, colliding two souls in the midst of their journeys. The moments that make you wonder; “Have we all been here before?” The sound of Tara’s voice broke her spell and Lila came back to the moment. “Well, I’ve got to go, Tara said, maybe I’ll see you again?” “Absolutely” responded Lila, thinking to herself, I’m quite sure of it.

 

 

 

Generous

Daily Prompt: Jump

jump

via Daily Prompt: Jump

“Leap and the net will appear”– I have that magnet on my fridge. I put it there as a reminder and try not to let it just fade into the background of everyday sights I see. It is important to keep it in mind. I just rollercoasted through six years of one thing after another and I got lost. So terribly lost. But I fought and thought and worked and persevered and here I am, finally back but moving forward at the same time. The mountain of life’s momentum did not take me down. It buried me yes, for a bit, but I never gave up and I suggest you do the same. Because one day we will all wake up and it will be close to being over and I hope not to say what everyone around me says; “It all went by so fast.” I want to say “Wooo, what a ride!” So, I shall jump.

Jump

Daily Prompt: Stylish

stylish

via Daily Prompt: Stylish

Stylish used to be so defined. I think about this in terms of decades and the “style” thereof. Before the Millennium, stylish and style was so defined. We can all identify the look of pretty much every decade from the Flappers in the 20’s to the Grunge look in the 90’s. Then the zeros turned over and….what? I would be hard pressed to differentiate a look in 2003 from a look in 2013, other than the omnipresent bent head hovering over the latest iPhone. Is that the new fashion? Tech as accessories? It sure feels that way. Not very stylish if you ask me. I think I’d prefer something more…organic. What am I saying? Would I pick leg warmers and skinny headbands over the bland, homogeneous, zoom zoom silver and blue of technology? Yikes. I didn’t wear that stuff back then, why would I start now? I think it’s more about the comfort of knowing where you are, where you were and the nostalgia of it all. I often wonder if “these kids today” are going to have any sense of wonderment of their youth. Any fond memories of “Remember when we all wore flannels and army shorts all the time?” Any sense of the years passing by with the changing styles and the drive to be stylish in that moment marking out their personal history. When I look at an old picture of me today, I usually can pinpoint the era it was taken simply by looking at my style. With the advent of digital everything, these kids won’t even have a shoe box of old photos to go through to reminisce. Instead, they’ll probably have a shoe box of broken cell phones that they can’t even access…not very stylish.

Stylish

Unexpected Inspiration -June 2003

anthonys

Well, I stepped inside a Catholic Church today. I know I said I hoped not to. It was very strange to say the least. I am amazed that after all this time, I still know the words, and when to sit and when to kneel. Automatic. Those old feelings. It’s like Pavlov’s Dogs. You hear those communion bells and smell that incense and all your actions, thoughts, and judgments come into question. I fought it off a lot, torn in between resistance and indoctrination, attending a sacred, sad event.

I’ve been reading this book. “The Da Vinci Code” by Dan Brown. It’s this crazy tale of secret societies, The Holy Grail, The Catholic Church and murder. In it, we read of the power play made by The Church. They wiped out the worship of the goddess, the balance of female and male. Jesus was human until they turned him into a deity, to whom they were the only avenue. Do what we say and you shall be saved.

So the whole time at St. Anthony’s I felt uncomfortable, thinking about this book. And myself. And my own confusion. I never wanted to come back in, although I knew I would have to, at some point. That point was today. As I listened to the liturgy, I wavered between left over faith and an intense cynicism of The Word. I felt like The Clandestine Hypocrite all the while surrounded by my entire family. They have no idea, la familia. My old Italian aunts and uncles, straight out of The Godfather, you’d swear. No idea of my struggle, in that pew, feeling like I could explode. My roots, they pull at me. My desire to be true to myself, it pulls too. Torn right down the line, almost. A hurtful chasm if there ever was one. Then the priest gave his sermon. “Change your life.” It is almost like he spoke those words directly to me. An arrow of fire shot across the altar right into my heart. I AM searching. Lost. And I didn’t want to hear it from him, but I listened. “Change your life. Offer up compassion, goodness, ACTION in honor of the soul we mourn today.” By the grace of God, he’s right. What in the world am I doing? Nothing! Swinging in the wind, not making one bit of difference. The time is now. I keep hearing that. The past is done. The future is yet to be. The present; that is the concern. It’s so obvious, yet, somehow, sometimes, it just doesn’t click.

It all sunk in. The message. The situation. The message. Life is precious. And short. You are here. You are gone. Life is for the living. Don’t get stuck until one day it’s too late. You look up and it’s just too late. I walked out of there completely altered, touched by an unexpected source of desperately needed inspiration. A Catholic Mass.

Funny, but I’m still not going back.

Daily Prompt: Silence

enjoy_the_silence

via Daily Prompt: Silence

Silence. It’s just something I’ve never been able to achieve in my head yet always wanted. My brain is always churning, burning with thoughts, fears, fantasies (oh, the fantasies!), here there and everywhere. Spinning, spinning, spinning. Everything but silence. I’ve made strides. It was a lot worse, back in my younger years when everything was always so serious, so earth shattering, so important. Now I’ve lived enough of life to have that “perspective”. Jobs have been lost, possessions have been stolen, best friends have died. Stacy’s laugh is something I will never forget. It zoomed through the room, ecstatic, joyful. Now, there is silence. The kind you just don’t want to have.

Silence